From: reXXXXXXXXX@gXXXX.com
April 16, 2012; 19:42:07 EST
Subject: Divorced and lonely
So my ex-husband and I were married at 17 shortly after graduating high school. We were married for 14 years and then I found out he was cheating on me with someone. I am 33 years old and I have lived alone now for 8 months for the first time in my life. I lived with my parents until I graduated and moved in with my husband vert soon after. I dont want him back but I do get lonely at times and I get depressed and watch tv a lot, which i am normally a very active person. I love out doors, camping, hiking, volley ball, and water skiing. So for me to sit around watching tv is a problem. I lack the motivation to go out anywhere or do anything with my friends either. I haven't been out of my house with the exception of work and grocery shopping for the past two weeks. I don't want another man in my life right now either because I never really dated anyone other than my ex, I dont think i can trust men right now, and I still hurt too bad. I just need someone to fill the void, the lonely nights. My question is this, I have been offered by a long time friend of my husbands to go on vacation with him in a few weeks and "get physical". I dont know if i want that, but I certainly could use the company. It wouldnt bother me to get that scum bag ex of mine back too by sleeping with someone he knows either. I just dont want to get hurt again and I dont have many friends because my husband and i had just moved from our hometown about 3 years before all this mess. I havent told my parents or any of my firiends back home either. It is too emabressing I just need an opinion please help i need advice.
"Dottie"
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Re: Down and Divorced Dottie
"Dottie",
I would like to start off by saying your loneliness is completely and tragically normal. Your need for revenge is fueled by your anger which is also normal to an extent. Do not do anything to jeopardize your life, your relationship with your ex, with his friends or with yours.
A divorce or "break up" is a lot like death and therefore we must go through the cycles that come along with grieving.
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Denial, that the break up isn't real. It's a bad dream, or that you will get back together like always.
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Anger, he cheated on you, destroyed your family, and humiliated you.
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Sadness, or Depression and all the symptoms that come along with it i.e.
loneliness.
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Acceptance, Finally understanding that the relationship has ended, and it is time for you to move on with your life.
I believe you are still in the sadness phase so if you want my advice it would be this...
Do not sleep with your ex's friend, do not alter anything or make changes to your life such as changing or quitting your job, entering into a new relationship is a no go!
Revenge is not the answer either, it will usually back fire on you and it won't make the loneliness or pain go away. In fact, afterwards you may feel the heavy burden of guilt. So don't see this is doing him a favor, see this as loving your self and knowing that you are better than stooping to his level.
If you want my recommendation it is that I believe while you are afraid of living alone you should see this as an opportunity to explore every part of who you are. By always living with someone else you were never free to express yourself entirely, you should embrace this as a time to find yourself. Find comfort and strength in being a single independent woman.
Once you have found that strength and regained the love for yourself, if you still feel lonely and distrusting of men, I believe you should look into adopting a dog or cat. Animals are a great way to rebuild trust and can even help build character. I would probably suggest a dog for you because you mentioned you loved out doors and camping. Any dog would love to accompany you in any of those activities.
This is a major change and not a decision to be taken lightly or to be made while going through the grieving process. When the time is right, you will know. Just like when "Mr. Right" finds you, your prince charming, you will know my dear.
Cordially,
JAZ
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